The Wellness Committee interrupts this program with an important message: This is a test of the emergency sweat system. This is only a test. If this were a real workout, you would hear your fat screaming as it burned, followed by the whimper of your abused respiratory tract. Pay no attention to that shackle on […]
Read MoreGood morning, and thank you for calling the Mother’s Day Hotline. If you are waiting in bed for a tray of burnt toast, spilt juice, and a macaroni necklace, enjoy the following selections at leisure. Otherwise, please choose carefully. If you are currently considering becoming a mother, please press 1. If you are pregnant and […]
Read MoreI am now mercury-free. The fillings, not the planet. I kicked off my weekend with a trip to the family dentist who was delighted to line my old tooth craters with composite resin and his wallet with dollar bills. I settled into the pleather recliner and adjusted the plastic-lined headrest. “How are you this morning?” […]
Read MoreIt was a rough week. Mistakes were made. I made a big one at work, wherein the people involved were very nice about it. I made a small one at home, wherein the people involved were very not nice about it. But here’s one nobody knows about, and as three mistakes in one week are […]
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