Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

Our relationship began with the simple idea that I could keep in touch (“KIT” is written all over my high school senior yearbook, right next to the phrase “Stay as sweet as you are”) with people that – wait for it – I have trouble keeping in touch with.

My mother, for example.

But she, bless her heart, doesn’t have a computer, much less a Facebook page.

In return, you’ve been dragging me along on the vacations and gender reveal parties and hospital trips of whoever you randomly decide I need to hear about.

I’ve been following the ongoing saga of a puppy just adopted in Toledo, Ohio, and it’s right on the edge whether their cockatoo is going to accept the little fluffy guy or torture him with various renditions of “Heeeeeere, kitty, kitty, kitty!”

The day of his vet check-up, I paced the house, scrolling every few minutes to make sure he passed.

Now, I’ll admit to using you for my own ulterior motives. You’re welcome, Facebook, that I haven’t been posting fake news or selling product or demand you leave one word on my wall about where we first met.

Instead, I send you my blog and you share it with perhaps 1% of my friends, because you are protecting the rest from possible death by witty sarcasm. Now suddenly, you are unable to accept my posts at all. You aren’t returning my phone calls. You’re telling my friends that I’ve moved on to other, better, puppy-adopting friends, and popping me out of their feeds.

I don’t understand. I’ve accepted every friend suggestion you send me. Everybody needs a friend. But I would rather be in charge of losing them, thank you.

The doubts that I’ve harbored, deep in my heart, about your integrity were fully realized yesterday when I stumbled across this headline:

“Facebook Confirms Data Sharing with China Companies”

You shared our relationship secrets? Oh, Facebook.

Breaking news today, as confirmation of yet another data-sharing snafu comes to light for our beloved and beleaguered Facebook.

Facebook representatives divulged at a press conference that – although admitting to sharing with other countries for an undisclosed amount – China in particular had not paid for the personal information of millions world-wide.

This was disputed by a long list of “Comments” below the fold:

Dear Facebook,

If you didn’t share my data with China, how do you explain the fortune in my cookie yesterday? “You will lose your 401K if you continue to invest in wild parties in Vegas”

Dear Facebook,

I had Chinese take-out last night. My fortune cookie demanded that I “start paying my alimony or misfortune of the worst kind would befall me in bed”.

Dear Facebook,

My ten year old is always saving her fortune cookie fortunes and sticking them onto her bedroom mirror. The last three include the name of our dog, our collective family income, and an admonition to stop being friends with the neighbors to our left.

Facebook representatives do not appear forthcoming with an answer to these details but the Chinese government is working on a rebuttal that – while not admitting to a monetary exchange – seems to include a reference to workers in a particular fortune cookie factory south of Beijing.

Details to follow.

Just so you know, I lied to you about my birthday.

Mark, you’d better be enjoying the baijiu.

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