Traditionally Challenged

For lack of cooperation, the photo wasn’t made.

For lack of a photo, the Christmas card wasn’t made.

For lack of a card, distant relatives forgot we existed.

For lack of distant relatives, we lost the inheritance.

For lack of money, our kids didn’t get all those fancy new toys.

I would like to say they would have cooperated had I held up the fancy new toys.

But probably not.

If my kids see me with a camera, they scatter like roaches.

Our holiday traditions have gone the way of the Dodo, and I’ve been searching for some new ones.

Driving around neighborhoods looking at lights is something I could get into.

Similar to an ugly sweater contest, only I don’t have to buy it or wear it.

It’s amazing what the average homeowner will voluntarily place on his house for the holidays.

And leave up until March.

Inflatables are a popular choice.

You will never see this in Texas.

Talk about target practice.

If I used these at my place, I’d definitely go with helium and a 500’ extension cord.

Not only is it harder to hit a moving target, but my out-of-town guests could finally find my home.

There are a lot of Santas out there.

Some have the entire sleigh and reindeer bolted to the roof.

Other homes have a live Santa sitting next to his Hibachi, in a folding chair by the sidewalk, a beer can in one hand.

I’m fairly certain you don’t want to sit in his lap.

The 2014 Guinness Record for number of lights on one house (601,736) goes to the Gay family in LaGrangeville New York, USA.

This is a motivated family.

I myself will be happy to get the slimy concave pumpkins off the back porch.

If I were ever that motivated, you can bet my place would break a record or two.

Possibly a window.

I’m thinking a giant sky bat signal, straight out of Gotham City.

I need lasers, a circling helicopter, and Batman rappelling off the chimney.

But Costco doesn’t sell any of that.

And we have better things to do than TP our own house.

The only enthusiastic family member around here is our cockatiel, Maurice, who thinks he’s a cat and wants to sit on my shoulder and snuggle.

And also lays the occasional egg, which makes him a her, and strongly suggests a name change.

And once in a while, the bird brain, he flies off across the room and makes beautiful snow angels on the mirrors.

Splat.

Here’s your warm fuzzy photos.

Merry Christmas.

"Mom? Is that YOU?"

“Mom? Is that YOU?”

The "Fluff" = "I can't believe my favorite human in the whole wide world is right here!"

The “Fluff” = “I can’t believe my favorite human in the whole wide world is right here!”

Please pet me...please!

“Please scratch behind my ears…please oh please!”

4 thoughts on “Traditionally Challenged

  1. Brittany Hefner

    Oh, there are more inflatables than you can imagine in Texas! Although I think when they’re deflated it looks like someone left laundry in your yard and I do wonder how many get slashed by angry neighbors…

    Reply
  2. emm

    I wish I had a cat who’d sit on my shoulder and want to snuggle… Maurice could teach Gunther a thing or two!
    Love the “family” photo!

    Reply

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